when I think about marrying, I backed a thousand steps back. It really scares me. More because I still don’t know whom I’m going to share that most part of my life.
Years back, marriage was never an option. But when I imagine having kids, i feel great delight. Having a child without a husband is also not an option. I like my child to not experience what I had had. A father is a blessing and I want him/her to experience that.
But the more I think about the kids. The more I feel I won’t become a mother. Infertility is there and it psychologilically scares me. Liking or Wanting them more feels like lesser chances for me.
My thoughts are like this now for I’m nearing my college graduation. It made me realize that I don’t have anything else to do after this year. Am I going to stay still like this? Finishing another degree. Do I really have to work? Working in companies is really not my thing. Waiting on instructions inside a closed office is not appealing. I want to work on the kind of environment where I do things differently each day. I have the tendency to become an antisocial that I fear I won’t get along with people who I think won’t understand me. Much more, I don’t like competition. I want to do things because I need to, not because somebody else needs it from me. I want to be a big difference yet I don’t see how I will. This’ why marriage entered my mind.
Last week, someone asked me when do I want to get married. I answered, around 30?? But I really wasn’t sure. not sure if I want to or if someone would want to do it with me. Yeah, it became a big deal for me. Added factor was because the one asking was kind of special. Someone who can gave me that kind of future but he’s also someone I still am not familiar even after a year of friendship. He is still a stranger for me. He still is not an assurance. I still can’t understand his intentions. If it’s friendships, or more than that kind of relationships. It really felt like surreal. If you ask me if I like him, I might say I’m not sure. I’m seeing him as an option upon where my life should lead and maybe that’s what make him special.
It seems like anyone could be a prospect as long as I feel that security and stability. It scares me to realize that the things I want to do won’t happen by just a snap of my finger. I still have to work hard for it. But really, I don’t like to work in the very essence of the word. I want to enjoy life while having that. But what kind of job will give me that luxury? A high-paying job or NGOs? Then, there’s also the issues with my family. AHHHH
Maybe, I really just have to stop thinking and just let things go their way.
It’s really hard when you didn’t have the direction even from the start. I really want to hibernate or sleep and dream more literally. I don’t want to come to a point where I’ll be making the best decision for myself.
But really, I also want to stay away from this place. Thinking would be clearer if I’m not in this place. I think I need a new environment to clear up my mind. But it gets hard when I think about the people I’m going to left behind. Much more my family but when I saw any foreign students, I have to remember their sacrifice. I want to feel reborn again and I can do that when my comfort and unusual zone is miles away from where am I now. I need to go to a place, maybe, hundreds or thousand more miles.
I want to embrace my loneliness first. Maybe, that’s why it’s called soul-searching. I need to find myself in other places. I want to start anew from that. A new blank slate.
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