July 17, 2018

seven years ago, you mailed me this email asking for friendship and maybe some points in English.

seven years from that, i see you now in a tux approaching me, mouthing words of happiness and glee. exclaiming how glad you are you found me.

12.13.14

this day would only come once in a lifetime. maybe never for others. i mean that in the next hundred year or so. i know it wasn’t the only date that comes once in my lifetime or anyone’s lifetime in my generation. this’ maybe the perks of being born before a turn of century or in a much larger scale of a millennium. you see i’ve come across the days of 01.01.01, 02.02.02, …, 12.12.12. you see the pattern. then there was 12.21.12, which practically ended the Mayan Calendar. i also can’t forget the dreaded 01.01.00, which ended the Y2K scare. there also was 11.12.13, which i well remember as the 4th day after Haiyan. My family became complete that day after rescuing our mom. I was not sure if we’re in Cebu that day of in Ormoc enjoying our first descent meal after the ordeal. I remember the warm noodles and rice. so much for that talk.

 

i have lived through those dates but these dates passed me by similar to this day. Yeah i have not done nothing special on this day. Just like all my days in ‘this’ year. but this day is more special. i tell you why.

 

12.13.14 is practically the day before my 25th out-of-womb year here on earth. me and my mom’s 9-month struggle is not included.

 

It’s more interesting because it’s my super super Korean crush’s wedding date. Totally heartbroken there. HAHAHA TT. Getting insane here. Really Lee Sungmin see you in our next lifetime.

 

My asian craze has lingered with two rurouni kenshins movies (Sept & Aug). I even marathoned the 95 eps of anime. Nodame also got a korean version so I also marathoned the anime before it premieres. I so want to read the manga but  i can’t understand with its ‘silence.’ The K-version was not my… B1A4 also came to manila. Yeah, I became a fan, and so thus with Exo, and still with Running Man.

 

Maria Sharapova was also here with some colleagues.May I add that I fall in love with Aaron Lewis and Jason Wade and so thus with Matthew Perryman Jones. So non-sense here.

 

But really, this day made me realized how i wasted a year in my life with doing nothing. I mean that literally.  I am not working nor i am studying. The only highlight was i made furniture out of scrap materials and i have three lovely kittens. I made a house for them, which was half by the water caused by Hagupit. (May, October) Maybe i should add that i become much closer to my mother and my second niece was born this year. But nothing remarkable for this year. No new job. No diploma. No finished story. No earnings. NADA. I started a hateful job last August. Some writing job that didn’t made me last a month. It was so infuriating with the way they took advantage of third party employees.

 

I only gained insomniac tendencies and failed job and school interviews. (January to March, November) Lots to learn there maybe. I may have only read one credible book this year, fault in our stars, are you there? Huh? (April) I really started to like/hate facebook, with all status of friends that i have taken for granted. I just so hate myself that i don’t want people to do anything with me. I so envy an engaged ex-hsclassmate, a soon-to-be doctor close friend, a roaming bestfriend, then there’s also a writer/doctor friend. She published a lot of books this year and that’s despite of her internships. I am just so nothing. (24th)

 

My siblings won’t show it but i may just be there useless little sister, with nothing to contribute, with a super hard-headed mind to turn to. Because as you should know, i refused to evacuate to our ancestral house. My sister claims it was because i was ashamed of what i have become. Yeah, i may do but i really think they are more ashamed of it. They just really won’t understand how safer our house is and that i won’t leave my kittens behind with a flood and hunger imminent. I just hate her then. I could understand she was concerned of the incumbent situation. But i just really hated her there. I even come to the conclusion that she was more concern of the money she’ll be spending, in case a rescue is necessary. (December) There was also that time when my big bro what each of us could contribute or as he has said, they could contribute. I just don’t have the money to give. Well, we just had a mini-reunion during my father’s 14th death anniversary. (November) It was short but memorable. They put tiles on our father’s grave.

 

That November also was when I first visited a childhood friend’s grave. That’s 7 years after his death.

 

Then there was a time on this year when my big bro just so f****** want to to put me out of their house. As is palayasin  late night. It was just because I fought with her eldest daughter. He was so angry without seeing reason. He only think that i was just plain bad and childish to fight a four-year old kid. Reprimanding is not a reason for him. A kid can really just spank and fought anyone. No one could argue otherwise. Because no one should really mess with his daughter. It was really an aggravated anger after not siding him with how my sister’s things should be shared, which i should point are my sister’s things, and i don’t have a say on that matter. It was hers, for goodness’s sake and they were just fighting over those things. Arghh (April)

 

I also won’t forget this year as the year when i learned to be homeless. I slept in international airports. I spent my days in malls, parks and churches. I also sneak inside a used-to-be rented apartment. I practically found a duplicate key. I spent two nights there, making sure i’ll be awake when the owners or my sister (the rentee) come so they won’t caught me there. There was also that time when i fought with a kid at manila bay after i saw him opening my bag. I also met an old fisherman there who was a kababayan.  Then there was this girl who was looking for a job but just can’t find any. She told me how hard her life had become. She used to be a domestic worker but can’t go back because of old age. Was that really the reason? (January to February)

 

I also lived in luxury for a week. what i mean i was living inside a post condo unit, in a posh neighborhood of rockwell .i deluxurized the place by making people see i’m buying from a wet public market than large supermarkets.  I also packed a balikbayan box (dorm things) while i was in the lobby. Imagine the horror in my rich aunt’s face. this was also the time when i went to church more than once a day. She was just so religious. I just can’t imagine how many sins does she need to atone. I didn’t mean that. But i really hope she will stop thinking less of people.  That’s beside the fact that it was mall churches. I just really just become old ladies’ helpers.(June)

 

I also missed all my flights this year. It was mostly intentional, with lack of funds and other means to proceed. One flight won’t pushed through because it became unavailable after that big typhoon. I was too lazy to try doing other means. There was also that flight despite of having enough money won’t be practical for i will be spending all my money. All my money equates to my enough trip money (January, June). Though I visited Cebu again before coming home. (April) I may have walked from one airport to another in one back to Manila flight. Though I remember a jeepney midway. Whatever. (June)

 

This maybe also the only year that i didn’t meet any of my friends, college or high school. I intentionally missed their birthdays. I talked with him less despite him starting convos. How sad had i become? (24th)

 

I remember all my lies of having graduated and earning a keep from working online.  (24th)

 

One particular when a cousin arrived from the US. I told her those things.

 

Anyway the highlight then was we played  card games (heart-attack and tong-its) ‘til dawn and with our face packed with face powder. Along with my mother’s family, we went to a virgin resort. (September)

 

Chai-Chai (Chairo), Chi-Chi (Chiisai), Koi-Koi (Kuroi), Shi-Shi (which was not really Shiroi, more of shiroi/kuroi) and one unnamed was born on the 26th of September. If you know Japanese Romaji, you may have guessed something about these kittens. Chi-Chi and the unnamed died on November. Chi-Chi’s death was indirectly caused by her/his blindness, which contributed malnutrition on her/his body while the unnamed was murdered by something unknown. It was just really a gruesome scene, with half of his/her body remaining. Chi-Chi’s body now reside inside a half hollow block in our front yard while the unnamed’s body was enjoyed by ants, flies and frogs as their meal. Talking sense here, huh.

 

I have a lot of things going through my head. I want to do a lot of things. I want to try a lot of things. If you can get hold of my notebook. There are a lot of business and hobby ideas. I’ve thought of painting again i actually made portraits.all i can see is that my drawing lacks color. Pun. I want to learn crochet after seeing my niece’s materials. I also bough embroidery materials. There was also a page of restaurant menus and names. A t-shirt business  was also in sight, with about 50 ideas formulated. I even drawn house plans. That’s so why I decided I want to become a Civil Engineer.(24th)

 

Speaking of business, i am actually happy for my sister for she build one, a laundry shop. She also mortgaged a car, to be paid in five years. Her dream is building. But i more remember when they (she and her business partners) made me their worker for a week with a P100 per day or sometimes free service. Did i complain? No, i didn’t at that time. But it was really irritating. I’ve experienced to be paid more with my previous job. (March)

 

With the way i’m writing this, you can see how unfunctional i have become. I mean dysfunctional.  I just wrote things in random. No direction. Similar to the way i am. I can’t be back to my old job (writer/tutor). I have to get my wits together.

 

I may really need help. But i don’t accept any. I may have to add that i had counseling sessions. I cried in front of a stranger with him telling me his lifestory and tips on what i could do or ideas on why i have become like this. (January to March, December)

 

This year is a realization of the things I should regretted and from that, I should move forward.

 

25 years and my life is still

Trying to get up

That great big hill of hope

For a destination

MY FIFTY-TWO MOST MEANINGFUL EVENTS IN MY LIFE

Disclaimer: This post was actually formulated and submitted for a class requirement five years ago.  Now, I want someone to know me through this. 

Roughly about myself:

I am the youngest of four children. I have a sister whose the eldest and two older brothers in between. My mother is an elementary teacher. My father was a driver, sometimes a businessman, (the melons). The grandaunt I am talking here is my father’s father’s sister. She’s a typical Chinese businesswoman.

I came from *****. In my first 4 years, I was living on the house and lot provided by my grandaunt in ******** City. Then at 5, transferred to a mortgaged house in a subdivision in ****. I have been living there till I finished high school.

During my elementary years, I transferred in 3 schools. First, the school were mama was teaching. Second, grade 2-4, a private school whose owner’s surname was same as mine (We’re not related. Maybe this has triggered my insecurities and stinginess.) then Grade 5-6, to a semiprivate school.

The nieces that I am going to cite are my first cousin’s daughters.

Most memories I had presented are from my childhood. Those that were undocumented memories and just instill in my mind. There maybe discrepancies when the certain event had happened but this things had actually happened.

3 years old

1.  My grandaunt scolded me because I’m still breastfeeding from my mama. I felt deprivation during this time but then I learned there are limits in everything.

5 – 6 yrs. old (Prep.)

2. When were going to transfer to a new house my father brought me to our would-be house. We sleep there with the still house bare, and no windows. We just put a carton and slept. This one of the moments I remembered with papa but I was still not attending school at this time and too young to make a fuss.

3. My siblings and I were tasked to sell melon and watermelon in a cart. We had already transferred houses. I felt enhanced in a manner that I learned how money should be earned hard. I was too young then. Its just nice that I still have this memory.

4. I remember portraying Starla and the Jewel Riders. We were so happy, jumping and screaming. Starla just remains in me.

5. My first favorite cat was named, Thunder Jet. He was the first cat I bathe and I was really terrified when he was shaking. After for about a year, I found him stabbed outside our fence. I learned how to cope when something bad happened also to took care of someone I love. Never shocked the cat if you bathe him.

6. I wasn’t ablt to be admitted to a school because I think I can’t read a-p-p-l-e. I just can’t forget the spelling and that paper until now. Well, things are not meant for me.

6 – 7 yrs old (grade 1)

7. I had health issues. First, I had skin asthma. The main symptom was the bruises in the body. I thought that it was leukemia. Dramas with such topic are rampant those days. Never to conclude when not yet validated. Second, I ate an ice drop plus a pack of cor-nicks, safari,  and was sent to the hospital. It was food poisoning. I don’t exactly remember if both food or just either of the two caused my hospitalization. But I was happy while in the hospital, someone was taking care of me and I have a lot of oranges to eat.

8. Ma-sa-ma, ma-ba-it, etc. I remember this written on a manila paper. I learned how to readthrough my Grade 1 teacher’s perseverance.

9. There was also a time when I sprinkled my eyes with perfume. I was too lazy to go to school. I was thinking that if I did that I might get excused from schooling. Long sermon with Mama after that. Really, that was sneaky for my part. It was painful and I never tried it again.

10. My rubber shoes was burned from the exhaust tube of papa’s motorcycle. Never put your shoes flatly on the exhaust tube.

7 – 8 yrs old (grade 2)

11. My brother and I were playing soldier toys on the ground. Also, with my brother’s buds we made our mango tree an instant robot, with me as Joy-fighter and my brother and his friends were  J__ fighters. I learned how happy my childhood was and how I am greatly influenced by my brothers.

12. July 7, 1997. Four kittens were born. They were born inside a cabinet full of old  books. Unfortunately, only one survived, and he lived for 11 years. I called him, Pity. It was a new word to me and maybe, I felt that I pitied him that time. I learned to love someone for that long. It was really unfortunate that I was not with him when he died or when he got lost.

13. My mother thought that my father would fetched me and my father thought the otherwise. Result: I waited for them till 7pm until the guard pitied me and sent me home. People are human. They make mistakes and miscommunications is one of them.

14. It was Signal no. 2, but still Papa wants us to go to school. It was absurd but he made me realize how lucky I am that I can study. (He actually never finished schooling.)

15. December 8, 1997. It was my first Holy communion. We were tasked to memorize the program but I remember that I was murmuring some of the gospels. I dont know how but I wrote that I recognized that I need to prioritize important events and to take things more seriously.

16. December 14, 1997. My 8th birthday. A few days before, I was in Cebu (my first time) and Mama bought me a new dress. This was I think the only birthday that I had a cake and neighbors came to greet me. I greatly felt loved.

17. Someone stole my Christmas Gifts in the shelf. It was gifts given to me by my parents . I felt that I had disappointed them and learned to appreciate more of the things that people gave you, don’t just left it behind. Bad thing is I became a hoarder.

18. My father dragged me towards the local barber. Why? I just cut my bangs and all the hairs that I saw with lice. Really, my father was enraged. I also got to dance Carinosa with a boy’s haircut during our recognition rites for that year. Better think first.

8 – 9 yrs. old (grade 3)

19. I have this only memory that we went to Sunday mass as a family. That day the priest blessed our scapulars. It made me feel the closeness and completeness that my family has.

20. When I was plugging the tv, I was electrocuted. That was traumatic, I can’t hold a plug for months. But now, not anymore. Be careful when using electric equipments.

21 My father slashed my legs with his belt. It was because I was complaining to change the channel when he was watching that boxing event on tv. Why can’t I watch the tv? Well, I learned to consider.

22. I learned to commute. This was also the time when I became more kuripot and the start of my passion for walking. I get to save P50 a week from my P20 baon. I more learned to value money and save.

23. To wake me up for my classes, papa usually carries and cuddles me. Papa loves me. My siblings  would always say that I was his favorite.

24. I did not have my confirmation sacrament. I just don’t have sponsors (until now). I don’t have ninongs or ninangs to support me. I don’t have any other people who would care for me aside from my family. Or I guess, that even at this time, I recognizzed not to ask  anything from others.

25. Papa was laid off from a telecom company. He found a job as a bus driver in his friend’s bus line. He was driving almost day and night never gone home for sometime during a week, even a month. I was always the one getting the money from him. Money down! Fare going to province was also free. Papa loves us and sacrifices mean love.

26. It was fiesta in our province when I ate crabs. It was really delicious. But after that, I feel a burning feeling (feverish) and have red spots. I missed the dance party at that night and I was left in the house. Never to eat crabs again.

27. When I was learning to ride a bicycle, I had to crashed in my uncle’s garage. Aside from abrasions, there was also a hole in my short. (That was my fave shorts.) I learned to ride a bike. Good things come  with perseverance.

9 – 10 yrs. old (grade 4)

28. My teacher scolded me because I got the lowest score in our quiz and my only reason was that I made paperbags the other night. Give a more reasonable alibi. But really, know your priorities,which I still need to relearn.

29. I wounded my left forefinger while cutting a calamansi (It got pus. Yikes.) and one time my younger kuya scolded me for giving the scissors with blades facing him. Be careful when using sharp objects. You might hurt yourself or anyone either physically or emotionally.

30. I lose P100 on my way to school. Things get lost especially when you hold to it too tight. (I was too stubborn to lend to my Mama.)

31. February 25, 2000. It was my mother’s birthday. This was the last day we eat out with my father as a family. Well, the memory was photographed and is well-remembered.

10 – 11 yrs. old (grade 5)

32. When I was, reciting I am a Filipino..(Carlos P. Romulo), I suddenly went blank, then say, “Ayoko na (I give up),” and sat back on my chair. I don’t know if I learned something there. I repeated the incident when I was 4th year high school.

33. It was a family reunion in a beach around  September. We were renting a floating cottage in the middle of the ocean when my cousins and I, made a contest to cross the cottage to a big coral 4 feet away. The cottage was, I think, more than 10 feet above the sea. Thinking I was that good, I almost drowned when I tried. Thankfully, someone save me. (I actually forgot his name.) There’s this thing that when you can you can and don’t ever test that limit. My head was beyond what I can really do and also remember to remember people to whom you owe your life with  (my parents and him).

34. November 2, 2000. Giporlos cemetery. It was the last day that I held my father’s hand as we were walking towards my grandparents’ site. Beforehand, there was also a party for my niece’s birthday. We were really having a good time. This would the last time that I’ve felt my father’s human love. You would really never know what will happen tomorrow.

35. November 4, 2000, around 2-3am. My mother fetched us in the terminal, she just us approached with the worst news one could ever hear. My Father just died. I was not with him and could never be in this lifetime. I remember I was dreaming coffins while on the bus trip home. She said he died 5pm of yesterday. Learn to accept things the way it is. Life goes on. I was even too young to realize that.

36. March 20, 2001. My first period. I am now a lady. (huh?)

11 – 12 yrs. old (grade 6)

37. After one Padasal (Prayer) for Papa, me and my siblings were grabbing the leftover snacks of the tagadasals (lead prayers). Money can buy food. Since we don’t have money, we can’t buy food.

38. I ask money from my grandaunt for my Christmas gifts. She gave me P500. I have people I can turn to and don’t make promises if you can’t keep them.

39. March and April 2002. Me and my two older siblings graduated, me from elem, Atchi from college, and younger kuya from high school. In my graduation, I get to have a weird make-up and hairdo. Memorable was because I of the valuing of education and the event itself.

12 – 13 yrs. old (1st HS)

40. The last large scars in my legs was from my playing patintero. I learned not to peel off your wounds when it’s about to heal. It leaves the most scar.

41. I had my first boyfriend when I was first year high school. Oct 13, 2002 was the date. My brothers’ was not aware of this, and me, being always guilty, did not take the guy seriously. Kept and young relationships are hard to keep.

13 – 14 yrs. old (2nd HS)

42. I got a chicken pox. I was isolated and few people can be near me. I never went outside the house for almost 2 weeks. Luckily, that was summer. Chicken Pox actually do happens. It was not a plague, right?! The patient should just understand his/her situation.

43. Me and my niece got into a fight. It was all about that one guy. As for my part, I don’t care about that guy, I cared more for my cousin. My niece and my cousin doesn’t get along that much at that time. Learn to explain your side especially when your in wrong and something is misunderstood. ‘Til now, me and my nice were not same as before.

14 – 15 yrs. old (3rd HS)

44. September 2004 — My mother had nephrectomy, kidney removal. I don’t know but I have faith that she would live through it.

45. January 2005 — We had our New year’s eve at the hospital. My younger kuya just had an appendectomy. Many things could happen at a given time. We’re lucky we’re still together. We were at the ward section, some patients at that hospital didn’t have families to turn to.

15 – 16 yrs. old (4th HS)

46. It was our Senior prom, when me and my barkada roamed around the venue barefooted. (Our feet werevery sore due to the high heels required by the event.) How to be carefree.

16 – 17 yrs. old (1st Coll.)

47. Summer 2006. I got lost in Manila for I was looking for TUP. I got there after 3 hours (1-4pm) of searching. My way was from Galleria to Legarda to Quiapo, etc. I got off in TIP first before realizing that it was not the place I was looking for. I got to my destination after 3 -4 jeepney rides. After my transaction at TUP, the people there gladly offered a ride for me. Really, I need that. I was living in Laguna at that time. I learned how huge Manila City was. It would really be nice if you listen to instructions carefully.

48. Milenyo was evident and I was alone in that apartment with no money and no light. The sky was dark and angry. I really learned how to budget the money and face my fear (of darkness).

49. I made my mother walked along Gil Puyat Ave. from the Jeepney Terminal near MRT to Chino Roces Ave. I was afraid to ask directions, thinking someone would took advantage  of us. That was very bad of me. I learned to never do that again to my mother.

50. January 15, 2007. My childhood friend died. He was in Leyte. I am in Manila. I was guilty ’cause I am not texting him more often. I just learned to value friends. One would really never know what will happen next.

17 – 18 yrs. old (2nd Coll.)

51. Greatest failure: I failed 3 subjects in one semester. Things would really happen especially when you let it.

Most of my years before College

52. There was this many incidents that my father tasked me to make a credit from our suking tindahan. There were also times that the LPG run-outs and we have to cook primitively, charcoals!! Also many incidents, when our electricity would be cut-off cause we just can’t pay the 3-month bills. Also, our water are cut-off many times. Tapping became a new source. Money can buy things but then a family together can live through those. We learned to be resourceful and be stronger as a family.

MY FIVE BASIC PHILOSOPHY IN LIFE

1. I have a God. – the world maybe changing fast, but I still believe that there is one entity that keeps this world grounded. Selfishly, I can say that I would never know him and he shouldn’t be questioned.

2. Life is a journey. – it’s living in way that it is lived.

3. Love is not seek. It gradually finds you. – maybe this is the reason why in one of the exercise for core values. I find that marrying someone should be thought million times over than planning a business. You may stumble at some point but that person won’t be the last unless you let it. It’s not about the seeking but more about the right  time to be together.

4. Life is not all about sufferings as well as blessedness.

5. Each person is human, one has just to learn in each of them.

doctoral thoughts

i’ve accepted it now, i wont graduate this year and it’s all my fault, with all the INCs I kept since last year, I have no one to blame. what worries me more was that everyone is expecting that i am.  my mother want to make me study medicine. not i don’t want to but i’m contemplating. thoughts about if i’ll  be on that path would i just waste it? not about the money and tuition but more of the whole thing. for i believe if i want to become a doctor or even a lawyer, any thoughts of going abroad should be off my mind now. i want to study something i would someday use within my beloved country with people having an open arms with the kind of profession i choose to take.  i firmly believed that it would be hard to practice law or medicine in a country where one has not studied on. another issue lingering on my mind, medicine? but i don’t really like artificial ones. i want to treat my patients the natural way.

remembering dates

rejection,  failure, or loses are reasons to not even pursue  any relationships. i have experienced many heartbreaks that loving someone seems surreal. heartbreaks not in terms of someone hurting me intently but fate doing that to me two times made things harder for me. two of the best men in my life has gone for good in my lifetime. maybe i’m still lucky, i still have my brothers but i still feel lacking, sounds cliche, but i want to feel that comfort again. the  comfort of experiencing  life with those two people. and i feel that no one can feel that up.

these two people went so suddenly that i was not with them at  the time of their departure. for them, i wasn’t worth the wait or it was more the pain staying with them.

November 3, 2000

it happened so suddenly. it was like i was with him the day before visiting our ancestors (from his side) for the first time. i never imagined that it would be my last with him. at 10, i couldn’t understand what was happening. it was  semestral vacation. we visited his and my mother’s hometown for the yearly commemoration of the dead.  he, mama, and one older brother went home early while my older sister and another older brother stayed behind. then, the next  morning, a news came telling us that he was in the hospital after a stroke attack. it was already during the night,  when my siblings decided for us to go home. during the trip going home, i remember dreaming about white coffins and cemetery. i wake up at the terminal with  my crying mother approaching us. telling something incomprehensible.  i just really don’t understand. i really couldn’t understand anything. at a young mind, my mind blocked something unacceptable but then realization hit me when  i saw that place. i run. run feeling that could wake him up. thinking i could make sense  of the situation. that everything is just a joke. but then i saw that box, and inside it was him. my tears came falling after that. i cried thinking my tears would reach him and it will wake him up. i cried thinking what had really happened? why is he lying already? why everyone just gave up? what if he wake up. why did everyone decided to embalm him and not wait for a few more days or even just few hours. why………….. i just couldn’t understand.

days after that stories came. people saying how good he was. how young his  demise was. how pitiful things would be for the family.

blank slate ahead

reviewing a life

when I think about marrying, I backed a thousand steps back. It really scares me. More because I still don’t know whom I’m going to share that most part of my life.

Years back, marriage was never an option. But when I imagine having kids, i feel great delight. Having a child without a husband is also not an option. I like my child to not experience what I had had. A father is a blessing and I want him/her to experience that.

But the more I think about the kids. The more I feel I won’t become a mother. Infertility is there and it psychologilically scares me. Liking or Wanting them more feels like lesser chances for me.

My thoughts are like this now for I’m nearing my college  graduation. It made  me realize that I don’t have anything else to do after this year. Am I going to stay still like this? Finishing another degree. Do I really have to work? Working in companies is really not my thing. Waiting on instructions inside a closed office is not appealing. I want to work on the kind of environment where I do things differently each day. I have the tendency to become an antisocial that I fear I won’t get along with people who I think won’t understand me. Much more, I don’t like competition. I  want to do things because I need to, not because somebody else needs it from me. I want to be a big difference yet I don’t see how I will. This’ why marriage entered my mind.

Last week, someone asked me when do I want to get married. I answered, around 30?? But I really wasn’t sure. not sure if I want to or if someone would want to do it with me. Yeah, it became a big deal for me. Added factor was because the one asking was kind of special. Someone who can gave me that kind of future but he’s also someone I still am not familiar even after a year of friendship. He is still a stranger for me.  He still is not an assurance. I still can’t understand his intentions. If it’s friendships, or more than that kind of relationships. It really felt like surreal. If you ask me if I like him, I might say I’m not sure. I’m seeing him as an option upon where my life should lead and maybe that’s what make him special.

It seems like anyone could be a prospect as long as I feel that security and stability. It scares me  to realize that  the things I want to do won’t happen by just a snap of my finger. I still have to work hard for  it. But really,  I don’t  like to work in  the very essence of the word. I want to enjoy life while having that. But what kind of job will  give me that luxury? A high-paying job or NGOs? Then, there’s also the issues with my family.  AHHHH

Maybe, I really just have to  stop thinking and just let things go their way.

It’s really hard when you didn’t have the direction even from the start. I really want to hibernate or sleep and dream more literally. I don’t want to come to a point where I’ll be making the best decision for myself.

But really, I also want to stay away from this place. Thinking would be clearer if I’m not in this place. I think I need a new environment to clear up my mind. But it gets hard when I think about the people I’m going to left behind. Much more my family but when I saw any foreign students, I have to remember their sacrifice. I want to feel reborn again and I can do that when my comfort and unusual zone is miles away from where am I now. I need to go to a place, maybe, hundreds or thousand more miles.

I want to embrace my loneliness first. Maybe, that’s why it’s called soul-searching. I need to find myself in other places. I want to start anew from that. A new blank slate.

weird dream = weird thoughts?

this is one of those weird instances that I remember my dream.  what’s more weird was  that I was being forced  to marry in that dream. what more?  to my first  boyfriend. and what more? i wasn’t liking it. then my alarm came on.

KRNNNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGG – 6:15AM

well after the  ring, i  tried to sleep  again. much more trying to go back to that dream. although that was me in the lead role, it felt like i was watching another person’s story…… now, the details are vague but the feeling is still  really there. WEIRD!!

my mind is now in the midst of  Q&A. more about asking why my dream was like that? and also why have i remembered it? (for honestly, almost all of my dreams are not memorable.)

wedding thoughts had been lingering on my mind before i even turned 20, years back.  i got this ideal notion of marrying someone  i like and  that someone likes me back. note the word is LIKE. i may have fell in love but it’s more ‘by the moment’  instances. everyone i had a crush on or more a relationship with, i always  imagine them as a prospective husband. but it had been years also that i have decided to not see marriage as an option for my life. marriage is a lifetime commitment that i can’t seem to fully offer it to one person.

but when i eventually woke up from that dream, i actually don’t know how to feel except the weirdness of what i had just saw. then, it hit me. do i really want to get married? it feels that i long to experience that kind of companionship especially with a child/ren in between. is my conviction already faltering? i remember in one survey of my good friend. in that, i was asked what would be my situation when i’m in my 30’s. most of my friends answered married with children while me, happy and unmarried. i have this high regard for marriage that i put it into a pedestal i don’t need to reach. i’m a hopeless romantic waiting for that prince charming and reality knocks telling no one could be like that.

the dream made me feel some kind of hope of the future. that, maybe, i could be happy with someone else. experts say that dreams are manifestations of what you want but for some, it also show clairvoyance.

what i more want to believe is the latter. i hope…

desperate much!

this is one of my reply emails to one potential penpal/epal. unluckily, he didn’t reply after this message. i don’t know why and i don’t want to ask. but i want to share this…

 

Hi. I’m glad you’ve noticed me.

For a short introduction, I’m ____________.
22yrs old. University student.
Currently living in ___________, ___________.

I love reading and I especially love reading personal messages.
Reading people’s stories make me understand life more.
I am a broad minded person with a penchant in helping.
I really hope I can help you in some way through this correspondence.
I’m also great with my friends.

You may ask why I look for penpals or epals.
Well, I want to start a friendship with people who doesn’t have a clue about me.
It’s like opening a new book. It’s like an adventure.
I believe that beyond culture, one can have lasting friends.

I’ve been on that site for a long time now.
I had exchanges to about 30 people yet only a few of them are still in contact with me.
I actually also wonder why I didn’t get to be friends with them for long.
Maybe we all have different reasons in starting the friendship.
And when the reason is served or the novelty is gone, we parted ways.

Well, you see, I also love writing and I think this is too much for a reply.
Hope I didn’t discourage you.
I’m greatly looking forward to your next mails.

P.S. I can also write letters.^^

 

for him. for her. for me.

when i saw one of my best buddy in her white dress with matching red velvety shoes, i was contemplating if i’ll ever wear the same thing. not exactly the same outfit, but having the same reason to wear those clothes. before yesterday arrived, she’s been talking about taking that walk for her parents. her proud parents. then it hit me, will i do the same? would it be deprivation to my mother, to my family, if i won’t be taking that same path? 

the problem lies with the lie. the lie that they don’t know the real score of my academic life. that i won’t be graduating with the course they have been expecting. it seems i have less than a year to set things right but if ever that day comes will they still be willing to acknowledge it?

you see, i’m the youngest. i’m the last one to graduate in the family. they may expect pictures during that day. they maybe looking forward for it. but having that lie made me foresee that on that day they may seem happy but there’s that lingering thought that this shouldn’t be happening. 

while i was looking at my friend, i surmised that i don’t want to take that walk. i would want to be working my ass off in some place (tawi-tawi, here i come!). but then my other thought argues, this day may become once-in-a-lifetime experience  and i won’t be making any memory out of it. my sentimental side is tickling. then, i came to a compromise that i’ll just attend that day on my own but it seems lacking not to share that with my most loved people. 

look at all my “may/s.” it’s all possibilities and not a concrete scenario. i have may things to consider. i can’t be selfish. i have always decided that i’m not in this world for myself but for those people who loved me. these people are my life. 

after all those thoughts…..

i really have to do the obvious thing and i should do it a few months before that day. for i wouldn’t want it to be smeared by disappointed loved ones. there’s that big possibility that i can walk side by side with her on that certain path.